7:02 am PDT: Awoken at home by phone call from Kevin Towers. Learns he’s traded to Boston. Calls Towers a pickle smoker and tells him San Diego is for pussies anyway.
7:05: Takes 40 naked cuts in front of a mirror.
7:07: Packs a duffel bag with 10 tank tops, 5 pairs of tight jeans, and no underwear. Announces “Dougie’s going commando” to no one in particular.
7:08: Kills it.
7:09: Kills it again.
7:10: Calls Wake, tells him “Dougie’s going deep tonight!” Wake says it’s getting dusty in here. Dougie calls him a pantywaist.
7:15: Takes cologne shower. Uses Stetson.
7:21: Drives to the airport. Uses the shoulder to bypass traffic. Flips the bird to drivers who make faces. Screams “Stay nancy, San Diego!” when someone honks at him.
7:38: Parks Escalade in front of terminal. Flips keys to airport police officer.
7:40: Passes through airport security. Refuses to remove 4″ belt buckle for metal detector. Offers to show TSA his security wand.
7:42: Gets three orders of chicken parm at Sbarro.
8:10: Plane takes off.
8:11: Dougie dials Tito on cell phone. Screams “Dougie’s going deep tonight!” Tito shrieks, puts on a fourth layer of clothing.
8:12: Flight attendant asks Dougie to turn off cell phone. Dougie asks flight attendant to turn off her high beams.
8:19: Pilot turns off Fasten Seatbelts sign.
8:19:05: Dougie enters bathroom. Kills it.
11:24 am EDT: Reads back issue of Bushwackers magazine.
11:49: Opens portable DVD player, watches Nina Hartley video. Orders three Sambucas and veal parm.
12:30: Uses cell phone to order $1,295 worth of items from in-flight catalog. When flight attendant protests, asks if she’d like to sit on his Brookstone.
12:34: Receives visit from co-pilot, who demonstrates the Airfone. Dougie calls Curt Schilling on Airfone, asks if he has Prince Albert in a can. Hangs up.
12:35: Co-pilot returns to cockpit.
12:35:15: Dougie calls over flight attendant. Asks if co-pilot is a pickle smoker.
12:43: Calls Derek Lowe on Airfone, asks if Lowe is hung over. Tells Lowe he shaved Trinka’s pubes into the shape of a D, asks Lowe if he’s ever been with a woman having revenge sex.
12:45: Calls Hazel Mae, tells her to wear something low-cut tonight. Mae faints.
1:01: Finds Brian Giles’ Amex in his wallet, calls NESN switchboard on Airfone using Giles’ Amex. Asks if Tina Cervasio is a stracciamanici.
1:15: Orders Pellegrino. Flight attendant brings Perrier. Dougie pisses in cup, asks if flight attendant would like some Perrier.
1:20: Calls David Wells on Airfone using Geoff Blum’s Visa. Tells Wells to get his fat fucking ass in shape or he’ll get a towel party.
1:34: Calls Remy on Airfone using Dewon Brazelton’s MasterCard. Tells Remy to pick out some nice Game On! girls for a postgame party tonight.
1:36: Calls the flight attendant over, asks what’s the biggest sopressata she’s ever eaten.
2:03: Flight lands at O’Hare. Dougie commandeers cart for transporting disabled, drives through concourse at 25 mph. Stops at Sbarro, picks up 2 orders of chicken parm for second flight; stops at Borders, picks up Penthouse Letters.
2:12: Arrives at gate for Logan flight. Asks gate agent if she’s ever heard of Josh Bard or Cla Meredith. Asks if she’s ever heard of the Motherfucking 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox. Dougie smiles.
2:14: Boards into first class
2:15: Calls Ozzie Guillen on Airfone using Scott Linebrink’s Diner’s Club card. Thanks Ozzie for keeping AL championship seat warm, but Dougie can take it from here. Ozzie breaks into stream of Spanish curses. Dougie says, “Whatever, puta” and hangs up.
2:17: Calls Derek Lowe on Airfone using Josh Barfield’s Carte Blanche card. Asks if Derek ever got a rusty trombone from Trinka. Hangs up
2:31: After spending 10 minutes trying to get Airfone to work with Rob Bowen’s SpeedPass, gives up and uses his cell to call Roger Clemens. Asks if he’s wearing Ninja Turtle shoelaces like a little bitch. When the flight attendant protests, Dougie screams for eggplant parm and two Sambucas.
2:32: Debbie Clemens picks up the other line. Dougie offers her a Dirty Hitler mustache.
2:35: Dougie’s starting tonight, so time for some BP. Goes to galley, removes clothes except for cowboy hat, and takes 50 naked cuts. Makes eye contact with flight attendant. Screams, “DOUGIE’S GOING DEEP TONIGHT!” He does not have an erection.
2:45: Calls Chien-Ming Wang on Airfone using Chan Ho Park’s JCB card. Tells him the bombs we dropped on his country are nothing compared to the bombs Dougie’s going to drop on Wang tonight. Says “Wang” a few more times, laughs. Hangs up.
3:27: Dougie wakes up from a nap and lets fly with a 10-second parm fart. He gets Penthouse Letters from his carry-on and heads to the lavatory, grabbing a Sambuca from the beverage cart on the way. Dougie hates courtesy flushes.
3:29: Dougie wonders where the fuck this small midwestern college is anyway.
3:30: Kills it.
3:38: Opens the lav door and demands high-quality toilet paper. Screams, “DOUGIE CAN’T CATCH WITH A HEMORRHOID!”
3:41: Lights a match.
3:42: Fire alarm goes off. Dougie is nonplussed.
3:43: Alarm disabled. Pilot leaves cockpit, asks, “Who the hell do you think you are?” Dougie nonchantly replies, “I’m a stud who hits bombs.”
3:58: Uses cell phone to call Tito and confirm he’s hitting cleanup. Tito shrieks, puts on fifth layer of clothing.
4:15: Plane lands.
4:16: Dougie getting impatient. Sees pic of Natalie Gulbis in the in-flight magazine. Kills it to waste time.
4:23: Gate is being swung too slowly. Screams, “DOUGIE’S GOTTA GET TO THE PARK!” Opens exit door, deploys inflatable slide. Three Boston PD cruisers are waiting to escort Dougie to the ballpark.
4:29: Takes call from Tom Menino. Calls him “Mayor Giuliani.” Announces that he will hit a bomb for his paisan.
4:30: The motorcade stops at Papa Gino’s. Dougie orders two meatball parm sandwiches. He leaves a $100 bill.
4:48: Dougie arrives at the ballpark. He puts Theo in a headlock and gives John Henry a noogie.
4:51: Walks into clubhouse. Announces, “TWO BOMBS TONIGHT!” Terry Francona gasps, locks office door.
4:54: Changes for BP. Does not wear a cup. You don’t need a cup with balls of steel.