Today, one of the editors at the magazine asked me to write some funny material about Celine Dion for an issue about Canada and their exports. Here’s what I came up with as a first draft…
Rough, Rough, Rough Draft:
Celine Dion is a top-secret project known a “Pop-Sensation” from the Canadian governments “Robotics and Artificial Intelligence” division of their military . Celine was originally programmed to outperform American pop-artists in order to boost overall Canadian morale. After frying a microchip in the late 1990’s in a freak off-stage curling accident, Celine began to exhibit strange behavior such as jerky on-stage movements and public outbursts stating her original military programming that “She is the greatest singer in the world”. The Canadian government has now disavowed all knowledge to the top-secret Pop Sensation program.
Since her programming accident, Celine has taken refuge in Las Vegas. A town known for sin, false appearances and flash, hoping nobody will notice that she is in actuality a Canadian cyborg programmed to perform chart topping pop songs. She can now be seen in her hit vegas show “A New Day” as well as devouring energon cubes backstage in order to fuel her over-dramatic and over-produced stage performance. Top Secret canadian dossiers gained by US Military forces disclose that Celine’s internal power cells have a 457 year shelf life and that the only way to kill the pop-sensation cyborg is to play one of her songs backwards in front of her.